I am normally a very positive person. I like to be happy. I like to find the silver lining in all things. I am pretty good at putting on a smile and appreciating the day, even if I don’t quite feel like it.

It scares me to pour my heart out like this and I don’t even know if I should, but my blog used to be a place where I could share all of my happy memories, I guess I’m allowed to share the dark side, too. I have to be honest now…

I am lost. I am truly at a loss. I didn’t really realize how sad I’ve been until today while, in an effort to get back to work, I was trying desperately to catch up with my 365 project. But with each image bringing me closer and closer to the death of Pop, I was filled with more and more dread and grief.  I have been unable to function any more than just getting through each day lately. It has been very difficult for me to face even the smallest of tasks. I would like to just crawl up into my bed and go to sleep and forget everything. I know that I cannot do that. I know that people have endured much worse tragedies than these. It’s not my brother we lost…it’s not my father who just passed away, but these have certainly been my heartaches to share. My whole outlook on the world and life and the future has been bruised.

I have got to find a way to put the sadness of past year and a half behind me. I have to keep functioning. I have to keep being a wife. I have to keep being a mommy. I have to allow myself to feel happiness again. I’m just not sure how. I guess this is a start? Admitting that I am sad. Admitting that I am afraid. There has to be some hope in the fact that I at least have the desire get back to the sunny side again, even if I don’t have the direction.

So I guess I just want to tell you–my family, my friends, my clients, and even those who haven’t ever met me–thank you. Thank you for being patient with me and forgiving of me and for allowing me to be sad for a little bit. I promise…I promise it will get better. It has to. There are too many wonderful things in this world left to be appreciated and admired. And I want to share as may of those as I can with you…

Much love,

Me